I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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