There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
