One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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