Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
