I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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