and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
