i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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