Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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