she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize