Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
