party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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