oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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