My liver just broke up with me...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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