the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
