You're so nebulous sometimes
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You dont lie about slip and slides
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
