I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
