Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
