my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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