Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You need Xanax blowdarts
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
