how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
