this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
