guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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