Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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