I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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