Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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