you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
