The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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