Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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