Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
