I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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