are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
