highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your penis caused this!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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