I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
