i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
