just tell him i said nine months
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
