I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
