So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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