WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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