I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
