so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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