i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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