And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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