tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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