my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
