i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
