Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
