my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize