he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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