He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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