Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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