I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
