were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
