Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
