My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
