someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
