I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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