last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just forgot I was standing up.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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