i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
