If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
