Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
