hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize