I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
