guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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