last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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